I chose you, my dear children. The days when I didn’t feel like I could do one more shot, one more procedure. I thought of you, I thought of the words I yearned to hear from your lips, “I love you mommy.” I thought of your first cry, and what it would feel like to hold you for the first time. I thought of the days nursing you, holding you close. On the dark nights when my womb was empty and I cried myself to sleep I would pray to God for you. Pray for your future. Pray for peace, knowing that God has incredible plans for you. I would hold my stomach and beg God to let me feel you in me. I chose to have natural birth, not because there is some trophy, but because I knew I wanted to experience every single part of becoming a mother. I wanted to feel the contractions, I wanted to feel you being birthed into this world. I wanted to hear your first cry, and have your daddy catch you and bring to my chest. I chose every part of our lives for you. I hope that in all the chaos of our day to day you hear me when I say I love you, and you know that I would literally give my life for you.
I chose you my dear children. I had no idea that as you grew, we would start to face challenges so early. The multiple diagnosis, the struggles of being a special needs mother, the postpartum depression I fight oh so fiercely. I hope you always know that I continue to choose you every single day. I choose to fight for you, and forever and ever will I fight. The hard moments hit me more than I would like to admit, and I often wonder if I am what is best for you. But then I remember all those moments where I held my stomach and prayed and begged God for you, and I know this wasn’t an accident. This was our lives being given to us by the Heavenly Father. He chose me to be your mother as much as He chose the very day you were born. He knew that I needed you as much as you needed me. I have been humbled every day as your mother, you have taught me so many things in your little years. I am forever thankful for your neuro-diversity, and how much you have changed our family. I am so proud of the little men you are becoming, I wish time would slow down a bit. It is going by far too quickly. I am not ready for you to grow up and need me less.
As I go through all of this again to add another child to our family, I hope that this choice only enriches your life. I pray that if this is supposed to happen, and makes your life better it will. I hope you know one day that I went to hell and back fighting to not only bring you into this world but to make your childhood something I never had. I want you to grow and feel confident that you are loved and treasured, no matter what. My love is not conditional.
I want you to understand that while this is hard, and I have my days where I am not my best self, that I am fighting hard to create not only a home of inclusion and love, but a society of inclusion and love. I promise to be loud and to use my voice to create a better life for you. I hope one day you look back and understand that I have given everything I am to be your mother and it was worth every hard moment and every tear shed. I promise to continue to fight for you, in every aspect of your life. I will forever be here for you, I love you so dear. You are my sunshine when the skies are gray. I chose that to be our song, that I sing to you nightly because it embodies everything I feel about you two. Life has been hard and its been messy, I have struggled more than I ever though possible. Every night I lay next to you, and sing you this song. It reminds me as much as it reminds you of the love we share.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away