It has been 3 weeks since I got the call that changed my life, here are some of my thoughts on my cancer diagnosis.
I have taken time to continue to process and have spent alot of time in worship the last few weeks, Honestly worship is the only way I have found to be able to keep my anxiety down.
My anxiety is paralyzing at times.
Why did this have to happen to me?
I am a young mother of two boys, one of which is autistic. They need me. It is not fair. All I wanted was to add another baby to our family. Instead of basking in the glow of pregnancy in the coming months, I will be recovering from a major surgery and possibly facing chemo and radiation. I am praying against that last part, but the fear is very much still there. I feel insanely angry and betrayed by my body.
It has affected my body image issues as well as my ability to be intimate with my husband. It is hurting me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Every ache and pain sends me into a panic, and I have to recenter myself and try and remind myself that we can only do what we can do and the rest is up to God.
I have been spending a lot of time listening to my worship playlist that I put together the first week that I found out the news. You can click here on Spotify to listen, I try to add more songs semi-regularly. I have a handful that I listen to on repeat, it helps keep my anxiety at bay and reminds me of how much God has moved through this entire process. I really need the constant reminders, because anytime I am by myself I really start to spiral. My favorite right now is I Raise A Hallelujah by Bethel Music.
The first couple of weeks I walked around in a trance, so much so I couldn’t even really cry much. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening, and to be honest I still can’t. My brain feels like actual mush, I even left Target last week with an empty basket leaving all my purchased goods behind. I am so frustrated with my physical state, it is discouraging and I feel constantly embarrassed. These days it feels hard to hold a conversation, as I either break down into tears or I can’t seem to put words into sentences. The stress of the diagnosis has taken a toll on me, more than I realized was possible.
How can God use my story to touch others?
I am a believer that when we walk through hard stuff, we have such a powerful testimony to be able to support others who are struggling. We are called to be a light in quite frankly a world of dark, dark misery. I strive to be real in my emotions, and my experiences, not for attention but because I know without a doubt in my mind that there are others suffering silently for fear of judgement. God gave me the gift to be able to be completely vulnerable without a second thought and I intend to use it.
I have never felt more brokenhearted as I do right now. But in the same breath of pure sadness, like the kind of sadness that hurts me physically… I can feel a peace that I can not describe. I know without a shadow of doubt that God is working through my life right now in a very public way. He has answered impossible prayers, and I fully intend to be bold and tell the world how He is moving in our lives. I will be ok, somehow, someway. This is not how my story ends, this is just the beginning for me.
God will give me more than I can handle, so that I am forced to rely on Him.
I have sat here and cried out in anger, sadness, and fear. “God won’t give you more than you can handle” is spoken to me often… but honestly that is wrong. It goes along with the toxic positivity movement I wrote about last week which you can find here.
He allows us to go through the hard shit, so that we are faced with the fact that we need Him. How absolutely ridiculous to think that we can do hard stuff without His help. We are only human, just look around and you can see how messed up humanity is. The fact is, I do not want to feel like I have to deal with this on my own.
I don’t want to be strong anymore, it is too much. This is too much. My heart feels like is breaking into a million pieces. I have tried for years to be strong, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do this alone. It is just too damn much.
We are supposed to be an extension of Christ on this world.
No, I am not talking about the judgmental hate spewing religion that so many practice in His name. I am talking about the pure unadulterated passion for loving others..
For years I have felt invisible, and like I don’t matter to anyone. Not to family, not to the church, it honestly has felt like we didn’t matter to anyone.
We have had people surround us during this time, praying for healing and a peace that doesn’t make sense. I have had people who barely know me, step up beside me and hold me up when I am falling apart. I have stood there having strangers speak powerful declarations into my spirit as tears filled my eyes, as they seem to know my deepest desires, in the depths of my soul. They just keep coming, and I hope they never stop.
I have been visualizing them creating this wall against any evil intentions against me and my family, linking arms and standing in front of us, protecting us as we heal from all of the hurt that we have faced through the last decade. They are the extension of Christ on this earth. I know because of their love, I have felt Him closer now than ever before in my life.
This is my time to heal and grow through Christ physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This will not break me, no it will not. This is will be one of those defining moments in my life, and I am expecting great things for our family in the coming months.